I had the immense pleasure of returning to Bryan Cook’s wonderful show Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction at the Limestone Comedy Festival in Bloomington, Indiana, recently. The audio of the performance will be on the internet soon, but in the meantime, here is what I wrote and read. This time I was part of the “audience suggestion” round, which means I had roughly 30 minutes to write my piece and then perform it. I was given Neil deGrasse Tyson. Here it is and please do not read if you don’t realize this is filthy, filthy, filthy stuff. Thanks.
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Soft and silky brown, with the slightest droplets of moisture beading up on the surface, likely from the hot summer night, beckoning a lick from the nearest tongue. A young Neil De Grasse Tyson grabbed a clump of dirt by his side, as he lay on his back staring at the stars bracing for ecstasy and with his free hand he inserted the chocolate covered cherry into his wet mouth.
“Mmm mmm. Tastes like stardust.” Neil always had his head in the stars, thinking, dreaming, and even scheming how to get to space. He would spend many days alone, without any friends trying to wrap his young, pure, eager brain on how to he might achieve this dream. While other boys would tell tales of their exploits with women in their dreamworld, Neil would often jerk himself awake at the height of his wet space dreams. His favorite and ironically reoccurring dream that would ignite his rocket was that in which a star would go supernova. The implosion, the thought of the creation of a black hole wold make young Neil’s wet. Imagining the universe sliding its dark matter into gaping, endless wormholes always made him climax. But, something was missing. There was a loneliness to space, almost too much, overwhelming him to feel isolated – until he saw him. Like a sentient space angel sent to Neil to show him he was not alone. Neil furiously scribed a note to this perfect combination of scientist and sexual desire…Carl Sagan. For weeks, young Neil would study and come, study and come, and come and study in preparation for the chance to meet Mr. Sagan. “My cock will expand and contract just like the universe itself!” thought Neil. Then it happened. An invitation from the object of his desire. He wondered if Carl would come the same way when being observed as he would when he wasn’t. Silly thoughts for a silly boy. Neil arrived on bus to see his hero. He was shaking and trembling in his pants as Carl’s ice cold hand grabbed his to lead him into his home. “Science will never fail you, Neil. But, man will. Remember this and you’ll be able to unlock all the secrets of the cosmos. And my cock-smos, too. Now, suck my hard cock and let me show you the real big bang.” Neil sucked Carl’s pulsing dwarf star until it exploded, creating a million more universes and stars. He was covered in matter, the future, the past, and even the construct of time itself. He lay on his back, gripping the Star Wars sheets still covering Carl’s bed and then took his finger to wipe the corner of his mouth. “Mmm mmm. Tastes like stardust.”