After I finished hanging up the Christmas lights in my room (yes, I am 33 years old and single), I went rummaging through some old boxes of “forget-me-not’s” and childhood memories. I was astonished at what I found. My parents had given me a box of some things from my past that I had never actually looked through. This was quite quite surprising considering what an ego-maniac and self-loving fool I am.
“How could there be things from my past that I had not poured over a hundred times already? I am so excited to see what I used to think like, look like and be like!” – inner monologue
So, you can imagine the abject joy I felt when I came across a small shoebox with all of my old “Dear Santa Wish Lists.” I found them to be charming, funny and at times very socially poignant. It is amazing how over time our wants and wishes can change. But, the one thing I found after reading through them was that at the end of it all, I am just the same little boy deep down inside that I have always been. Maybe nature does have the upper hand?
Here are the wish lists I found (some years/ages are missing probably due to them being misplaced by my parents who clearly underestimated my impending importance as future national figure. They must not have realized that at some point, there will be a Ryan Singer Museum where fans from across the globe and maybe even by the time of my death, Universe will come to see everything about me that they can. Much like Elvis, but only less drugged and fat at my future death. Here’s the lists:
Age 5 (1981) – Dear Santa,
I have been good this year and would like GI Joes and race cars. I love you, Santa.
Age 6 – Dear Santa,
This year I have been really good and want more GI Joes, more than the one you gave me last year please. Also, a baseball glove. You’re the best, Santa.
Age 7 – Dear Santa,
Baseball cards, a bike and transformers. How do you get in our house? We don’t have a chimney. I hope you like peanut butter cookies!
Age 9 – Dear Santa,
A puppy, baseball cards, a boombox, and games for the Atari. Please don’t let me down. I’ve been so good except for that time I threw my little sister down the stairs, but she asked for it.
Age 10 – Dear Santa,
I think the crayon I wrote last year’s list must have smudged or it got lost in the mail because none of the things I asked you for did you get for me. I don’t want to sound like a bad kid, but you couldn’t get one? So here again, a puppy, a boombox and games for the Atari. You can ask my sister, it was an accident.
Age 11 – Dear Santa,
Is there something you want to tell me? I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on you as I did get a Walkman, but no boombox. How am I supposed to tape record myself when I call in to the radio when I don’t have a boombox? You see my dilemma, right? I know you’re busy, but according to the old man that lives next door, there aren’t any good kids left so there should be a surplus of puppies going around. Still waiting on that one. My friend Doug’s parents got divorced and now he gets like twice as many presents, so could you make my parents get divorced, too? That would be so cool!
Age 12 – Dear Santa,
I really underestimated you, big guy! My parents hate each other! Well done. I forgive you for the puppy thing from the past few years. I realize now that I have been really under-cutting the things on my wish list. No more toys and the like, we’ve got bigger things to tackle now. I just recently figured out my thingy works and I’m having so much fun with it. Can you make Carrie Rasor play with it for me? I really want her to touch it and all day long it is longing to be touched. I want her to put her mouth on it, too.
Age 13 – Dear Santa,
Is it because I figured out that my thingy works? No offense, but playing with it is so much more fun than the Atari or staging fake battles in the backyard with GI Joe and Transformers. And to be honest, at least I know I can count on it. It is reliable, every morning I know it will be there. More than I can say about you lately. Maybe a less noisy mattress would be good to ask for this year? I’ve really worn this one out, at least in the middle. I’m not sure you even exist anymore if it makes you feel any better. Still waiting on that puppy and if you could convince Carrie Rasor to let me know touch her boobs, too that would be great.
Age 14 – Dear Santa,
It is 99% sure you are a sham. I will admit you getting my parents divorced was quite impressive, but in hindsight, it seems it wasn’t so great. I never did get the extra presents that my friend Doug got. My dad said, “There ain’t no Santa and there sure as shit ain’t no god that would let that devil bitch take Christmas away from my kids!” I’m not sure who exactly the “devil bitch” is, but there has been a lot of talk on the news of some lady named Madonna that is evil. See if you can’t do something about here or that guy “Reagan” as I hear my dad yelling about him, too, late at night as he cries himself to sleep.
Age 15 – Dear Santa,
Just when I thought you were bullshit, you almost take Reagan out. I’m impressed with your commitment, not so much your execution though. Maybe you could help me get laid this year? All of my friends have by now and I’m the only one still wearing the big “v” on his chest. And just so you know, the stray dog living in our garage this past summer doesn’t count as the puppy I’ve been asking for all these years.
Age 18 – Dear Santa,
Please get me laid. This is ridiculous. Also, as an aside, last year I wrote take away my hurt and pain, not my favorite musician. I should really pay more attention to my cursive, I guess? But, the laid thing is really important.
Age 25 – Dear Santa,
I know over the years I haven’t been all the thankful to you, but you can be a real dick. I ask to get laid and you give me a guy with fake boobs. Do I really have to be that specific? I hope that doesn’t automatically put me on the bad list for this year. Let’s try that again, but this time with a woman. Thanks.
Age 32 – Dear Santa,
I’ll take whatever I can get, seriously…whatever…whoever. Love, Ryan.
***Breaking News Update***
My debut album entitled, “How to Get High Without Drugs,” will available on iTunes, rooftopcomedy.com and other digitally enhanced marketplaces starting Dec. 15th’ish. I will have actual physical copies available for your purchase through this website around the 22nd or 23rd of December. If you would like to pre-order your own copy and have me sign it a very personal manner to you, please send me an email through the contact form.