The first installment of “Life on the Road,” which will chronicle the strange, annoying and/or random shit that happens to me and hundreds of other comedians as they travel this strip mall country of ours to tell jokes. All comedians share many common experiences even if their comedic styles differ vastly. The purpose of this series will not be to show how unique or original I handle all these situations, in fact, I do not. It is simply to give people who wonder what we do or what our life is like a small peek inside mine. Some of these experiences are incredibly fantastic and others are painstakingly soul-torturing.
One such soul-torturing experience is the bachelorette party. It is as if the majority of women in this world were born in a Walmart and have no idea how to uniquely celebrate an impending marriage. Not to be unnecessarily cruel or mean, but over 90% of bachelorette parties are the most bland, unexciting and pitiful events known to mankind. At least what I have experienced of them. I know these women mean well, but at the end of the day the one thing you have to remember is: nobody gives a fuck that you are getting married, for reals. In fact, I would be willing to bet that half of the women in the party do not give a fuck. And a small percentage of the time, the bride-to-be doesn’t give a fuck. Point is, do not go to a comedy club and think that the show should be about you.
If you need further evidence at how unoriginal and bland you are, look around the room. Chances are there is another bachelorette party at the same show. What does that tell you? Please do not be fooled by the following video, I am in no way truly enjoying this experience. I put on the happy face and pretend to like it and like you only because I have not been paid yet. If it was Sunday night and my check was already in my pocket, I most likely would have verbally assaulted you in a way only becoming of a 13th century henchman.
Cue inner critic: “Well, Ryan? Don’t you think instead of catering to the bachelorette parties in the crowd and reinforcing their behavior to them and to the others witnessing the event, you should regardless of your financial situation behave like a true artist and and either ignore them or as you said, ‘verbally assault’ them? It in fact, is pretty hacky what you are doing, wouldn’t you agree?”
Me: “Fuck off.”
Because at the end of the day, the jokes that I would like to think I work hard at crafting, even if they aren’t mind-blowingly original, will be more interesting than the most interesting thing you may happen to say in the audience that night. Again, not to be a dick, but I get paid to talk. At least in this environment. Let’s roll the tape…